面具让我窒息(2)

In order to change, I needed help in facing myself. For me it was not easy to “know thyself”. All my life I had accepted the lesser of the two evils and run away from self because truth was more dangerous. Once I thought that to survive I had to put on a mask and forget what lay underneath. But masks are false protections and the inner part of me refused to go unheard forever.

　　It caught up eventually, and unless it was to master me I had to face such feelings as fear, anger, envy, hatred, jealousy and excessive need for attention. When I realized I could not have done anything else except what I did, I was able to like myself more and be able to like others not for what they could give me but for what I could give to them.

　　为了改变现状，我需要帮助来面对自我。对我来说，“认识自己”并不是件简单的事。一生中，我选择了两个罪恶中较轻的一个：逃避自我，因为真相往往更为危险。曾经我以为，戴上面具，忘记面具下的一切，就能生存下去。

　　然而，面具是虚假的掩护，我的内心决不肯永远缄默。最终这种情感占了上风，如果它不曾主宰我，我就依然得面对恐惧、愤怒、羡慕、仇恨、嫉妒和极其需要关注的情感。除了顺从自己的内心，我别无选择，当我意识到这一点时，我便更喜欢自己，也更爱他人。这并不是为了他人能给予我什么，而是我能给予他们什么。

　　The Bible shows the way to easy, happy living in many of its pages. It advises, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” Those who expect the most are apt to receive the least. I had expected much and was filled with fury because nothing in the outside world relieved my emptiness and despair. Nothing did, either, until I could face the anger and fury, the emptiness and despair, and slowly start to know such new feelings as compassion, conviction, control, calm. I learned, too, of reason—that judicious combination of thought and feeling that enables me to take more responsibility for myself and others, that allows me to slay the ghosts of the past.

　　For me there is much hard work ahead to achieve greater happiness. Yet, the very struggle I have put into achieving a measure of it makes happiness that much more dear.

　　如何能简单幸福地生活，《圣经》中的众多例子都告诉了我们。它建议：“施比受更有福。”那些期望最多的人，往往收获最少。曾经，我期望颇多，内心却充满了愤怒与狂躁，因为外界任何事物都无法填补我内心的空虚与绝望。一切都于事无补，直到我能够面对愤怒、狂躁、空虚与绝望，并慢慢地开始懂得同情、信仰、自制与平静这些新的情感。我也明白了，理智正是思想与情感最明智的结合，它能够让我为自己与他人承担起更多的责任，驱除往昔纠缠我的幽灵。

　　对我来说，要想更加幸福，还需付出更多艰辛的努力。但是，为获得一定程度的幸福而付出的艰辛努力，才使得幸福弥足珍贵。